Maybe it is me

If it was real, why am I the only one who is hurting?

If I’m not the bad guy, why am I the only one who is unhappy?

I see him and he is not hurting.

I see him and he is happy.

Was the fault mine all along?

Maybe I am the bad guy.

Maybe I am the one at fault.

That’s the reason why I deserve this misery.

Wrote this while you were asleep


“I don’t know how and when I started to fall for you,

All I know is, as I lay awake watching you sleep,

It’s going to hurt as fuck when you leave.”


And yes it fucking hurts.

Empty

I’m doing the best I can to distract myself from thinking of you. I try to do stuffs that I used to enjoy. I buy stuffs that I think can make me happy. I stopped watching movies and series because we used to do that together. I’m being very careful not to let my mind wandering and thinking of you.

All this and at the end of the day I can help but feeling empty. I long for you; your presence, your face, your voice. I miss you so terribly. Sometimes I find myself whispering your name out of nowhere. This time last year we were so happy together. God knows how much I wish things can go back to where it used to be, even just for a day.

I didn’t know missing someone can be this excruciatingly painful. The only thing I can I do to lessen the is by replacing is with another pain.

Make it stop please

“Toxic connection”. It is true what they say. Words linger. Especially words from someone you really love. For these past few days, I keep hearing “toxic connection”. As if someone is whispering it into my ears. All. The. Fucking. Time. After all that is how he describes me. To him, I am the toxic connection.

“Loving you is easy”, “A true angelic and pure human being”. I can hear his voice saying this. After all that is how he describes her. To him, she’s better than me.

Being rejected is hard; it’s heartbreaking. But being compared to in front of everyone? Knowing how low I stand in his eyes? That’s another level of pain. What did I do wrong? How come loving her is easy but loving me was not even an option? Was the intensity of my love made it hard for him to love me? What was not enough of me? I gave him all my heart. I gave him all of me. But still it was hard to love me? I didn’t ask for much. From the start, all I wanted was to be given a chance. For him to try and give my love a chance. But he rather lose me than try to love me.

I want to make the voices stop. I’m tired of hearing evil voices whispering “toxic connection” into my ears. I don’t want to close my eyes and see her face and hear his voice comparing her to me. In comparison to her, I’m nothing. I know that now. I’m nothing but just another irrelevant chapter of his book. While she is his whole book.

Please make the voices stop. I need to make it stop. I’m sorry.

Dream

I had a dream. I was back in the mancave; my favourite place. Too many memories with you there, both good and bad. So I was back in the mancave. Everything was the same. The smell. The pink duvet. Your “shitty” TV. Our pictures on the drawer. I was there alone. Waiting for you. You were actually out with someone else. I was waiting for you to come back. Waiting and waiting. I guess that’s what I’ll always do. Waiting for you no matter how heartbreaking and draining it is. After all you said I’m like a shore to you. No matter how lost you are, you will always come back to the shore eventually; come back to me.

I woke up feeling empty as I have always been lately. Should I continue waiting for you like the shore? Season after season, with my feelings unchanged while you’re out there lost in another adventure with someone else? Should I?

Almost

Where did it go wrong? We almost had a great love story. Not perfect, just great. Everything was simpler back then. We were happier in each other’s company. We were so entangled with each other in such a short period of time. We were almost inseparable. We didn’t know what the future was going to be but we sure as hell know we’re going to be in each other’s life, always. So where did it go wrong? Was it the distance? Was it the intensity of my feelings? Was it his unwillingness to try? Or was it just the wrong timing? Whatever the reason was, it changed everything. Nothing will ever be the same again. Or maybe it will. The future is uncertain now. Only one thing remained the same; we almost had a great love story. Almost.

Wrote this in December 2018; first time we were apart.

Rainy days remind me of you. You always tell me how you love it when it rains. You said the sound of the rain is beautiful; too beautiful it can take all your anxieties away. I remember one night in October when we were lying next to each other on the bed, listening to sound of the raindrops. Our eyes were closed with none of us uttering any words. But everything felt so right and perfect. That’s why rainy days remind me of you; I’m wishing nothing but to go back to that night and be next to you again.

To my favourite White Boy,

Happy 25th birthday.


Last year, this year

And many years to come

The day you were born

Will always be special

As it is a reminder

For myself

To be grateful

That you were born

Into this world;

As a blessing

And knowing that

You are out there;

The person that I love

Still breathing.


Love you, always 💛

5th March 2020

Hey weirdo,

It’s been almost three weeks since we last talked. And out of those days, I needed you most on this particular day. I was at the gym, I just finished a session the personal trainer. I was tired and my legs were killing me because yesterday I had leg day. So I went into the toilet because I feel like vomiting. On my mind, I can only think of “His voice. I need to hear his voice.” I sat on the floor and then I vomited. With those words still repeating on my mind suddenly I was overwhelmed with my emotions. It became harder for me to breathe, I started to cry. My crying turned into sobbing and next thing I know I was having another episode of panic attack. I froze in place, sitting on the toilet floor, unable to move. I managed to grab my phone which was on the floor and texted A. I told her I’m having panic attack and I couldn’t ground myself. I told her I need you. I need to hear your voice, that I can’t do this without you. She tried to help me and she said she’s sorry but there’s no way you can help me in this situation. And it just went downhill from there. I was literally gasping for air. With my my mind still thinking “His voice. I need to hear his voice.” I’ve never felt so helpless. Like I was suffocating. Drowning in the water, gasping from air. I don’t know what happened; whether I fell asleep or I blacked out. But I woke up around 15 to 20 mins later, lying flat on the same toilet floor. That day, I really needed to hear your voice.